Sometimes it hits me how God calls us to Him. There are moments when I can feel Him pulling me to be more. And when I pray for His will to be done, when I surrender all I have to Him each morning, I honestly expect nothing less than a change. God wants us to be His light in this world, and if we are to be His soldiers on earth, I have to come to the conclusion that He would want me to shine as bright as possible - driving away any darkness in my heart or any wrong in my actions.

That means fully participating in my promises to Him, whether I consciously acknowledged them yesterday, or committed to things because I know I am His daughter and the Spirit has whispered to my soul what is right.

When I pray for His will to be done, I am calling into play the fear of God. The two things may seem unrelated, or even related in a way I do not mean. Many might think His plan for us is something to be feared. But if I truly trust in Him and His providence, I can find peace in anything He has in store for me. It is always better than anything we could want for ourselves. What I fear of His will is that if He is screaming at me for change, if He has given me every opportunity to be more holy, and I do not listen or cannot risk having enough courage to rise to the occasion, His plan will probably come about in a much more unpleasant way. People see suffering in the world, and all I can think is that (aside from consequences of sin, free will, and a need for compassion) this is also a cause. Loss and suffering and pain of ourselves and loved ones- do they not force us to be where we are needed? Or rely on Him more? Or gain some perspective about our lives? Or remember our own promises to Him when He answers ours?

I find myself asking: Is this is the only way to get through to me?

I have been struggling in fear of joy. For I just didn't think joy could last, because bad things happen to everyone and how can I be prepared for those challenges if I am not anticipating them? I just get scared that God wants me close to Him, and I am so disobedient until I am desperate at His feet. But this would doom me to a life of sadness and fear. And it cannot be what He wants for me. He wants me to let go of that fear of what is to come. To remove the limit have placed on myself, and let what happens happen. I already know He will be there. I already know there is nothing I can change by worrying. If I trust in God's love and grace, I have more than enough. Whatever happens, I cannot fear anything earthly. Pride and loss of control are not easily surrendered unless we remember that it is our soul on the line. The courage is there if we just have faith that God is here.

to myself,

i question sometimes the definitiveness of right and wrong on this earth, or rather the lack thereof. surely, our faith gives us guidelines, but somehow everything appears in varying shades of gray. i wonder if this is a result of our inability to shed our sympathy towards a world intent on smudging the moral absolutes. it's hard to remember sometimes if we stand on the fence because we believe there is no right and wrong, or if spend so much time trying to understand our neighbors that our own ideals are lost in the process. or perhaps the harsh reality of the world forces us to choose what would allow this world to thrive rather than what would give this country back its moral backbone.

we were meant to live in this world, be a part of this world. and in doing so, we must live among those that have never adopted a faith like ours. they never view the morals of this earth as standards made through the earth's existence, ideas adopted that were necessary for the progression of mankind. also that, alternatively, the adoption of opposing principles could lead to the destruction of any rules of civilization. imagine this country's view on children. our ancestors saw childbearing as a gift. the culmination of all they had been living for, preparing for. tribes prayed for the opportunity to allow their people to populate and continue the natural cycle of birth and life and death. through our own weaknesses and selfishness, people have found their need for sexual gratification to be in conflict with the circumstances of birth. unable to choose self-control over convenience, and without understanding the necessity for the continued growth of our species, people choose abortion. with new legislation necessary to prevent the murdering of children at stages where their survival is likely in cases of early labor, it's clear that we are headed to a future where people are killed at convenience. first pregnancies are inconvenient, then children, then adults. for once it is legal to kill a child (even an unborn one,) why wouldn't anyone else be fair game? i fear the future for this world's children, if it means they need to question their safety.

and if we are aware of the consequences of the wrong ideals, don't we still doubt ourselves and imagine the innocent minority among the evil? yes, allowing two people of the same sex to marry is wrong. "but what if they are just friends that take care of each other? shouldn't they be allowed the same benefits?" and so we make exceptions, trying to accommodate the tens, though thousands will take advantage of the policy change. and so we find the world as it is today. sons never knowing a father, though certainly the sperm donor is around here somewhere. --"well, some fathers beat their children and those sons are better off with no dads." and so we make the exception, and here we go again. believing in the right, but making allowances for the opposite. and so we continue to smear that black line into the white. in time, we'll forget that those rules were supposed to account for exceptions, and our children will think that's the way it should be.

and what of the leader that can make this world rich? he can transform our economic crisis into a fortune, but he'll also let you kill your children and steal from your neighbor. won't we be able to take care of our family and live comfortably? won't we be able to worship without having to pray for help again? won't life just be so convenient that any consequence is acceptable? won't we be drowning in so many other problems that convenience is no longer the issue?! "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" (Mt 16:26) How much more do we have to give before there is nothing left of our faith?

we repeat over and over again of our love for God, yet we refuse to allow His ways to consume us. and as we try to love our neighbor, we forget to be spiritually strong, and allow our need to love those around us bring conflict in our resolve. though we may love our friends, they can still be wrong. and if they were to assert that the sky were green, it'd better that we told them the truth than commit ourselves to join them in being foolish. and when we choose whatever way our consciouses guide us, won't God always be there? i cannot imagine needing anything else more.

sincerely,
yourself

"proclaim the word; be persistent whether it is convenient or inconvenient; convince, reprimand, encourage through all patience and teaching." 2 Timothy 4:2

ironic that this is from the mass i missed because i was out having too much fun to be bothered to plan for mass and proper worship..

Though sometimes I feel strong in my faith and confident in my path, God seems to know precisely how to test me.. to humble me and show me how much work there is still to do.. and He knows that it is just what I need.. not only a reality check, but the awesome knowledge that He still calls me to grow closer to Him.. that there is still hope for me to know Him better, and fulfill more of His promise in me..

at times i cannot help but pause in despair.. those i love dearly and those i hardly know, missing their chances.. and me- missing my own! i find myself grasping at plain opportunities to shine a light in this dark world, only to see just how weak i can be.. how can i yearn to do more and drown in total incompetence at the same time? my heart just aches at those called, starting to turn their backs on a faith that gave them such strength when they needed it.. to forget our God, even though they know how much He has sacrificed.. His precious blood spilled, His tears shed for us, His only son.. all those images side by side with my own failures and my best friends walking away from it all..

but part of the struggle is pushing through it all.. hoping that we can hear Him when our chance comes again.. preparing so that next time, we will be ready with all the words inspired in us by the Holy Spirit.. remembering that the forefathers of our faith all struggled in their own way, but God always provided a way for their return.. and how they needed only the courage to return to Him..

i pray we can all be brave enough to live His words when the world around us tells us it is wrong..

so dr horrible's sing-along blog.. how is it possible for joss whedon to get things right all the time? i cannot imagine him doing anything merely well.. everything he does seems legendary.. he's iconic really.. if i were to choose one person in the world to be my friend, it would be joss whedon.. no offense to jason mraz..

the songs were fun and wonderful and honestly, how can you go wrong with nph and nathan fillion? i wonder if joss whedon is "too" successful.. like maybe he made a deal with satan and that's how he's this awesome.. because really, it doesn't seem possible any other way.. i hope he didn't do that..

anyway, it goes offline after tmw at midnight.. but then it's available on itunes and later on dvd.. which i think is going to sell like something that everyone buys.. i just hope there's enough for me to have one.. freakin rocks..

so i was reading stephenie meyer's favorite book list, the top 14, and i feel that she should be in a book club with me.. she had jane eyre, pride and prejudice, to kill a mockingbird, romeo and juliet, and chronicles of narnia... which i realize are popular books, but usually not favorited by the same people.. AND (my brother and lorie will probably love her for these two) princess bride, ender's game book 2: speaker for the dead, and rebecca.. she is instantly cool for loving those three... she also picked book one by janet evanovich, which i have been meaning to start reading.. the rest of the books i have not read, but i am now putting on my to-read list because i totally trust her judgement..

at least i can see why i would like her writing now..

okay so i surrendered myself to the twilight craze.. and as my mother taught me "if you're going to do something, best to do it right".. so i completely committed and, allowing myself to take the books for what they are (that of the teen genre), i have found all of my thoughts are tangled up with these books..

there's isn't anything particularly clever about the language or the plot.. i think the success is in the characterization.. though we may be reluctant to admit it, we cannot help but be drawn to characters that all have such a measure of perfection.. perfect beauty.. perfect mediocrity.. perfectly quirky... perfectly lovely.. thus representing someone, maybe even ourselves, in a more perfect way... even the main character, perfectly imperfect.. she's any girl today, but idealized.. klutzy, but so much so that the reader loves her for the humor this trait brings.. sometimes shy, but brave when it matters.. selfless and selfish.. smart and clueless.. every side of everyone is represented in this one person, but somehow given to us in ways that make perfect sense..

and while the romance is cheesy and unreal, how can you not be swept up in it? "take care of my heart - i left it with you"... out of context.. YUCK.. but as a parting note from someone that you believe will truly be in pain because they had to leave a loved one.. it's swoon-worthy.. and i'm not afraid to admit it.. if you're not in love with edward it's because you're dead inside.. or a man..

anyway, books are consistently ruined by their movie counterpart and this is no exception.. don't even bother looking at the cast list, it's just absolutely depressing.. did hollywood miss the consistent reference to the cullens and hales as "devastatingly beautiful" or do they just need a dictionary to understand what that means? i'll tell you what it doesn't mean.. it DOES NOT mean cast people that you need to get to know to appreciate.. people like that are NOT the people you cast when the audience is expecting insanely beautiful people.. not that those people aren't the awesomest, because most of us would put ourselves in that category.. but if you're going to bring a book to life, then freaking do it right! there was actually a website that i found where the people got it better than hollywood.. with a few exceptions in my mind.. http://rogue-chere13.livejournal.com/12861.html
i actually don't agree with belle or jasper or edward or mike, but the rest is really awesome...
john c reilly (aka the guy from taladega nights and chicago) as charlie
ioan gruffold as dr. carlisle cullen (aka mr fantastic of fantastic 4)
kate beckinsale as esme cullen
rachel leigh cook as alice cullen
sophia myles as rosalie hale .... though i know her and kate beckinsale were in underworld so no duh right?
daniel cudmore as emmett cullen
gordon tootoosis as billy black
stephen strait as jacob (aka lead from the covenant and fire guy from sky high)
james franco as james (aka green goblin)
stuart townsend as laurent (aka lestat of queen of the damned)
famke jansen as victoria (aka jean grey)
ian mckellen as aro
bill nighy as caius (aka billy of love actually)
alan rickman as markus
johnny depp as dmitri
oded fehr as felix (of the mummy fame)
... etc

i object to trent ford as jasper simply because he's not physically intimidating enough.. nor blonde.. maybe cam gigadet from never back down..
gasperd ulliel isn't a bad choice for edward, but also not physically intimidating, and not enough "pretty" .. but definitely better than the guy they actually cast in the movie... it would have been awesome if hayden christensen had done it... or chace crawford or drew fuller..
and emily browning (of series of unfortunate events) isn't a bad belle, i just don't think she has the quality of being older than her years... i also can't picture her being stubborn in a cute/playful way or with enough presence to challenge those around her.. maybe sandra mccoy (cry_wolf) if they could make her look a little younger and a little more plain.. or natalie portman..
and mike newton needs to be the small-town quarterback kinda guy that all the girls might pay attention to.. i might suggest like erik von detten from princess diaries..

of course, all of these preferences are dependent upon the capabilities of these people to actually ACT.. but if we're assuming they can take acting classes.. they win...

those are my thoughts.. and hopefully now that they are organized and since i have read all the books in the series.. i can get on with my life like a normal person..

reading the previous post, i see that this one will just paint me as a pretty, pretty princess..

i have expelled enough gas today that if it were a useful gas, it could power a rocket to propel from earth and into space.. i'm honestly a little surprised that my chair doesn't have a hole in it.. i had to take off my headphones because i was scared that it was making noises that i just wasn't hearing.. of course, if my gas had been loud, by the time i took my headphones off, i'm sure it would have been too late.. like that time i said "i gotta poop" in my cube, forgetting that open cubes are poor guards against the verbal diarrhea that i apparently cannot shake..

so chemists, physicists, etc.. i invite you to find a practical purpose for my gas.. together we can save the world.